Death and its

Journey to Life.....

 

 

When death is spoken everyone thinks of the physicality of it.  But no one seems to be aware that there are deaths that surround us everywhere.  There is a death of feelings and affection I think the worst of all deaths because it buries your very soul whilst feeling not the physical pain. Yesterday when I went to pick up my car at the garage I was greeted by a shock from one of the attendants. Paulo my favourite car attendant had died from heart attack just hours ago. I have parked my car there for years and the attendants have been exemplary helpful and cordial to me.  I have learnt to include them like they are part of my everyday existence.  At times when I wait for my car I exchange short conversation with Paulo a gentleman from  Colombia of his mid fifties. Though Paulo barely spoke English he was the one who always managed to get a smile out of me.  He told me once that his struggle in this country has finally paid off because his daughter has finally graduated from medical school.  Paulo was the symbol of hope and perseverance for me.  He was there hours end and even at the worst weather condition he was working yet not a sign of unhappiness could be seen from his face.  Each moment that I was feeling badly aboutmyself I thought of Paulo.  Who came here illegally and managed to work odd jobs to put his children to school.  Paulo told me he had four children and each one of them was in college.  There were so many things that I admired from this man, one most impeccable one was his love for his wife whom he brought flowers to everyday from the grocery store.  In the rarity that I had spent time talking to him he expressed how much love he had for his family.  He told me that he loved his wife of 34 years so much because she was the one who gave him the happiness of having his children.  I could not help but to write something about a man so simple yet left so many pertinent things for me to ponder. 

 

Now as I look back to those moments I spent talking to Paulo I could not help but to mirror my life from his.  However, the reflection I see from the mirror I face has so much complexity that even an oblivious eye could see.  I have lived a life always searching for happiness and love.  I have this unquenchable thirst for affection but the more I set my quest for it the more it disappoints me.  I have always abided by my rules and beliefs about life, in that there is not a moment where you hold back anything for anyone because you shall never know when the time does not come for you to exude those feelings anymore.  My love that I give to those people I love the most around me has always been generously expressed.  There was not a moment where I have thought of myself first and regarded my needs and wants to be more important.  Though what I do give is rarely reciprocated in the same manner, I am not resentful nor have I thought of changing my ways ever. Like Paulo did, he lived his life according to how he wanted it.  I do live my life the way it satisfies me no matter how much hurt and aches I may encounter along the way.

 

Now I question myself what do I really seek in life? Must I continue to punish myself and live under this constant pain just to please others? Would it be selfish of me if now I halt every inch of my generous love and lead a life of emptiness because others did not fulfill me? My resilience has always worked wonders in the way I live because no matter how much pain I have endured the disappointments never once bury my will and persistence to go further in life. Yet I now question these very “persistence” that it might have contributed to my failure to gain affection and love from the people I have yearnt so much to be showered by such. Maybe the person that I am is only seen by me and invisible to others.  I have always thought that I am a good person since I have tried so much to be one yet this goodness is not seen by those who matter to me most.  The saying goes no man is an island, now I wonder if there is any truth to this saying at all.  Maybe my happiness lies upon being alone and apart from everyone but myself and nature.  My exhaustion from this constant agony is slowly taking my will and motivation I do wonder if there is more energy for me to exert to go on.  My life as I live it is nothing but a borrowed time from people whose stay in my life has never had any permanence.  I have become just a seasonal fixture to few who found me interesting at the time.  At times I feel like floating debris out in the river just flowing freely towards the stream until someone finds me useful.  Until then my journey in this world shall continue until that time comes for me to retreat to how I had began my travel in this world. --Deedee